No Rhubarb!

Monday afternoon, a perfect day for Tacoma baseball. The last home game before an extended road trip through the PCL Southwestern hinterlands. Again, a perfect day for baseball, which, quite frankly Tacoma owes us after we've shivered through some very cold, very wet baseball games.

But we weren't actually at the game on Monday. No, the first perfect baseball day just happened to fall on a day when we here at No Rhubarb! had previous plans. On the most perfect day of the spring, we headed up to Seattle, and stayed inside all evening. We went up to the Paramount for Silent Movie Mondays. This was our first try, and we are true believers at this point. Silent Movie Mondays transform the Paramount back into the movie palace it was meant to be. They use a vintage screen and projector, and fire up the Mightly Wurlitzer. A Harold Lloyd retrospective runs through the end of this month, and you shouldn't miss it.

Who was Harold Lloyd? Try this, a snippet of Why Worry?, one of the movies we saw on Monday.

Now, while we missed the game on Monday, we did have a correspondent on the scene. Kevin Freitas dot net, maestro of both KevinFreitas.net and Feed Tacoma. Yeah, we are aware he claims that the .net isn't part of his name, but we are not dummies. We know the truth. Correspondent Kevin was nice enough to share his rather impressive photos from the game, including this soul-chilling look at crossdresser Rhubarb.

Photo Courtesy of KF.net
Yes, of course Rhubarb is a crossdresser.

Posted by frinklin at 12:35 PM | 0 comments Links to this post    
Labels: Child-Devouring Mascots, Man Cannot Live On Baseball Alone, Rainiers: The Experience, Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

World famous athletes. Animals. Giant inflatable suits.

You have any idea where this could be going?

We are speeding past Rhubarb. We're leaving the bizarre world of giant rodents behind. We're heading down the interstate and the horror that is Rusty is two exits back We are going to ZOOPERSTARS.

What, pray tell, are Zooperstars? One part athlete, one part animal-based pun, one part giant inflatable head, and about a billion parts scary. To wit:

Ken Giraffy Jr.

Cow Ripkin, Jr.

Nomar Garciaparrot.

Monkey Mantle.

Monkey Mantle?!

The absolute nadir of Zooperstars is what they have done with Ichiro Suzuki. Ichiro, beloved on two continents, one of the most charismatic athletes in the world today, the only man who could say things like this:

I hope he arouses the fire that's dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul. I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger

and still be taken seriously. What does the-bad-acid-trip-meets-ESPN Classic crime against nature known as Zooperstars do with this man?

They turn him into a cockroach.


Photo courtesy of Zooperstars
This is Ichiroach Suzuki. Note the vaguely Asian features of the humanoid insect, that may be our very favorite part.

Now, what could possibly top this? What could be the cherry on top of this terror and butterscotch sundae?

The Zooperstars are coming to Tacoma.

We say again : the Zooperstars are coming to Tacoma! The first of June and the fourth of August will see these abominations appearing at Cheney Stadium. A harmless promotion? Or the beginning of an invasion? Can you see it? Rhubarb and his giant unblinking eyes leading a veritable army of mascots against our poor city?

No. The time has come to take up arms and defend our homes, oh Men of Tacoma. The great horde of demon creatures is coming and we must be ready. These things are inflatable, so we are buying all the pitchforks we can find. We suggest you do the same.

Posted by frinklin at 8:00 AM | 3 comments Links to this post    
Labels: Child-Devouring Mascots, Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

Posted by frinklin at 12:06 AM | 0 comments Links to this post    
Labels: Child-Devouring Mascots, Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

About the Team

-Our Favorite Rainier was 2-3 with two walks. Adam Jones' biggest issue was his plate discipline. So far this year he leads the Rainiers with six walks and his line so far this year is a sparkling .389/.477/1.088. He leads this team in all three categories.

-Wladimir Balentien has some serious fan-favorite potential. He plays the game with flair, never gets cheated at the plate, and his homer on Friday night was a cannon shot.

-Mike Morse is an adventure on defense, no matter where he plays. Last night we saw him break the wrong direction on a line drive and shot-put a couple throws to first.

-Bryan Lahair looks helpless against lefties. His line (0-7, 4K) sure seems to prove that. He did seem a bit more nimble around the bag though.

-Jeff Clement has an odd stance. He hold his bat low and close to his chest, and pinches his knees together before he takes a step. Looks odd, and seems to have too many moving parts. He did hit the ball hard, so it seems to work.

-Before his epic three-run error in the tenth, I was really impressed with Rob Johnson's defense. He blocks the plate well and has a quick release. I don't know if he'll hit though. Reminds me a bit of Dan Wilson, but with a more standard catcher size.

-Again, before the train wreck 10th inning, Oswaldo Navarro can really pick it. He'll never be more than your average good-hit, no-field backup middle infielder.

-Odd to see Gookie Dawkins playing for the Rainiers. When Ken Griffey Jr. was traded to the Reds, the Mariners demanded a middle infield prospect back from Cincinnati. The options were Pokey Reese (on the M's DL all season two years ago), Dawkins and Antonio Perez (traded for Randy Winn). Funny how that worked out.

-We really like Jeremy Reed, but... We dunno, it just isn't working.

About the Experience

-Cheney Stadium does look better. The paint was really needed, and the new wrought-iron fence (which I neglected to mention after the Preseason Party) improves the look of the outside of the stadium. Reading the Tribune's story on the new ownership group, one gets the feeling that the former owners neglected the team while it was up for sale.

-Rained all day, up until just about scheduled first pitch. We were not expecting the game to be played, quite frankly. The rains stopped and it went off just a few minutes late.

-Great Odin's Raven did it get cold though. Really cold. Like the Official Wife was shivering and slowly turning blue cold.

-Despite all that, it wasn't a bad crowd. About 2/3 full and about half of those stayed through the 10th.

-We skipped the fireworks. Again, REALLY cold.

-Not all the kinks were worked out. We were denied a superdog due to shortages at the main concession stand. Ordered the special fries and were given the regular ones. Wife's popcorn was cold and soggy. Not at all a good experience.

-Bought my first piece of Rainiers junk – the awesome road cap – and that transaction went pretty smoothly, despite the guy in front of me who did three separate transactions so his little ones could pay with their own money. Dude... do that at the grocery store or something, not at a ball game.

-The Rainiers staff – all with matching red jackets – were uniformly friendly and helpful. The security guys in yellow, not so much.

-Rhubarb is unspeakably horrible up close. But much more so when dressed in drag. Nightmares for life.

Posted by frinklin at 11:52 AM | 0 comments Links to this post    
Labels: Child-Devouring Mascots, Our Favorite Rainier, Rainiers: The Experience, Sacramento River Cats, Tacoma Rainiers

As should be expected from the title of this little blog, we are not fans of Rhubarb, the demon goat-creature masquerading as the Rainiers’ mascot. We do admit to enjoying finding mascots that are more soul-chillingly terrifying than Rhubarb. We may never find anything that tops last week’s entry, the warped vision of horror that is Rusty. But we will try. Oh, will we try.

Today, we stay local. Spokane, our neighbors in the Inland Northwest, has a baseball history that mirrors that of Tacoma. They became a PCL franchise the same year as Tacoma. Avista Stadium was built using the same diagrams used as Cheney Stadium. The PCL Indians left Spokane, and moved to Las Vegas. Spokane – slightly larger than Tacoma and baseball crazed – was left with a short-season Class A team.

So, take that Spokane.

But we digress. Spokane does outdo the Rainiers in one key area, that of mascot horror. The Indians feature Otto, the Spokaneasaurus.

As we warned the last time, this is not for the faint of heart.

Witness: the Spokaneasaurus

Posted by frinklin at 5:00 AM | 2 comments Links to this post    
Labels: Child-Devouring Mascots, Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

Okay, while we still hate the demon goat-creature called Rhubarb, I admit it could be much, much worse.

The link below will take you to Rusty, the mascot of the Texas League Corpus Christi Hooks.

It isn't for the squeamish. This isn’t pleasant. If you have a heart or bowel condition, we beg you to turn back. No Rhubarb! cannot be held liable for any strokes, seared eyeballs or night terrors.

It’s not too late to turn back.

Credit (blame really) goes to Deadspin.

Look upon the Mascot, ye mighty, and despair!

Posted by frinklin at 12:48 PM | 1 comments Links to this post    
Labels: Child-Devouring Mascots, Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

Why indeed? We here at No Rhubarb! love the Rainiers, from their slightly hand-me-down name to the quite frankly ugly and old Cheney Stadium. We love the team’s awesome home hat and even more awesome road cap. We love the fact that Nick Lachey –of all people – is now a part owner of Tacoma’s hometown nine. We love that on a cool summer night, we can drive just a few miles and watch a professional baseball game under the stars, enjoy a cold beverage and a hot dog, and spend less than the national debt to do it. We love the fact that the Pacific Coast League now includes teams from New Orleans, Oklahoma City and Memphis, just because nobody could think of anything better to do with ‘em.

But we hate Rhubarb. More to the point, we fear Rhubarb. What many think of as a slightly odd, but generally unthreatening mascot is actually a monster. This is exhibit A:
















Now, you might think that this is a charming photo of Rhubarb entertaining a little girl, but look closer. The glassy eyes, the gaping mouth, the flaring nostrils…. This is not entertainment; this is the last moments of a little girl’s life. We have no proof – whatever photographs have almost certainly been destroyed, either by Rainiers management or Rhubarb itself – but we know that moments after this photo was taken, this little girl was devoured whole by Rhubarb.

Something to remember when enjoying that cold beverage, hot dog and PCL baseball game on that cool summer night: A monster walks the field of Cheney Stadium.

Picture is courtesy of the Tacoma Rainiers, whom I certainly hope have a good sense of humor.

Posted by frinklin at 5:51 PM | 1 comments Links to this post    
Labels: Child-Devouring Mascots, Tacoma Rainiers