No Rhubarb!

Okay, so we're working on a longer version of our favorite Friday feature, our look at mascots across the spectrum of minor league baseball. We decided to take a quick break and stop by FeedTacoma and check up the Frost Park meetup today. We stumbled upon GOALTacoma's post about South Korean star Mr. Woo and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?

Surf Dude. The Tacoma Tide have a mascot. Surf. Dude.

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, The Beautiful Game, Things That Make Us Want to Die

The Charlotte Knights, Triple-A farmclub of the Chicago White Sox have a lot of things going for them: a burgeoning market that many think is ready for a major league club, a distinctive name and striking logo, a nice stadium and plans for a new downtown stadium that will be state of the art for a minor league team. Not everything is perfect; the color scheme isn't perfect and the uniforms are seriously overdone, but nevermind that. The Charlotte Knights are one of the very best franchises in minor league baseball. Well.... we do have an issue. This is the Knights mascot:

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

During the inaugural season of No Rhubarb! we faithfully followed the exploits of Our Favorite Rainier, outfielder Adam Jones. Jones is in Baltimore now, on his way to what we firmly believe will be a long and excellent career. The title of Our Favorite Rainier cannot stay vacant though, and we will take the next few days to find our new favorite. This year we will let you, the reader chime in on the subject. No Rhubarb! will present the case of several players and then let you vote who you think is Our Favorite Rainier. After which we will almost certainly ignore the results and just name whomever we want anyway.

Next Up: Rhubarb!

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Labels: Our Favorite Rainier, Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

A new season, new mascots to make us all tremble with fear. This week, we visit Allentown, Pennsylvania, home of the absurdly named Lehigh Valley IronPigs. Formerly the Ottawa Lynxx, the IronPigs are the Triple-A affiliate of the nearby Philadelphia Phillies. It doesn't take a genius what the IronPigs mascot ended up. Meet Ferrous:

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

We are switching sports just briefly today, checking up on the rather horrifying world of Hockey mascots. The difference between hockey mascots and baseball ones? Hockey mascots are expected to skate. Take a moment - if you would - to imagine Rhubarb on ice skates.

Not pretty, huh?

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

We're not entirely sure if this entry qualifies for this "honor" quite yet. The Williamsport Crosscutters, Single-A affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies, have a brand-spanking new mascot. The old mascot, a fairly dull, oddly bear-ish lumberjack named Rusty Roughcut, left the team to join the professional lumberjack circuit.

Of course he did.

Anyway, the Cutters have a new mascot, an odd blue and green creation that is currently nameless. Well, originally he was given the oh-so-original moniker of "Bozo", but that is copyright protected. So, the franchise is running your standard Name the Mascot contest. All you have to do is top "Bozo", which can't be terribly difficult. What would you name this thing?

I would go for Leaf-Covered Nightmare, but that wouldn't fit on the back of his jersey.

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Labels: Blogs Much Better Than This One, Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

Imagine you are Roger Clemens. A few months away from your 46 birthday, your long and storied career in baseball seems to be over. Despite a fine year with the New York Yankees, you've become persona non grata within the major leagues. So what do you do? Money isn't an object, you've made tens of millions, perhaps hundreds. You really don't have the personality to work on television, but you're desperate to stay within the game.

Well, do the Huntsville Stars have an offer for you. The Stars, named after the nearby Marshall Space Flight Center, recently reworked their logo and uniforms to incorporate a rocket theme. They've offered Clemens a job.

As the mascot.

According to Ben Hill's Biz Blog, the Stars want Roger Clemens – the best pitcher of his generation – to be a the secondary mascot. They already have Homer the Polecat as their primary mascot. But when Homer is indisposed, “Clemens, as 'Rocket', will dress as an astronaut and simply interact with fans and assist with on-field promotions”.

Okay, I'll fly my ass down to Alabama if it means seeing Roger Clemens – the famously intemperate Clemens – dressed up as an astronaut. Can Tacoma match this? Maybe once Randy Johnson retires we can dress him up as a mountain?

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

Huh... somebody needs a new demon goat creature. The Rainiers are looking for a new demon-spawn Rhubarb. Apparently the last person to fill the costume was either tired of the goofy-yet-utterly-terrifying antics or God has finally hit the SMITE button and is ridding the world of these glassy-eyed monsters.

So, hey, why don't you try out?

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

The Pittsburgh Steelers are a proud franchise. A tough, blue-collar team based born in a blue-collar city. A team owned by the same family for 50 years, originally purchased with the patriarch's gambling winnings. The same basic black uniforms, the same three coaches in 30 years. A team built on toughness and defense. A hard team led by hard men. Fans that are truly fanatical, spread around the world. A team that does things the right way. A team that understands that football is war. A team that never concerns itself with frivolities. A team with no cheerleaders.

Now though, they do have a mascot. In honor of the team's 75th anniversary, the Steelers have unleashed Steely McBeam on the world.

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

If you are the Salem-Keizer Volcanoes, what exactly do you do for a mascot? Like Rainiers, this is not a name that lends itself well for mascotdom. A geological formation – especially one with the ability to destroy cities – doesn't seem like a natural.

So, if you are the Salem-Keizer Volcanoes, you go a little nuts. Meet Crater:

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

A complete game win for the Rainiers. Redbirds reclamation project Rick Ankiel hitting a standup triple in the first. Ryan Feierabend giving up two quick runs in the first and then shutting Memphis down.

None of these things matter. What matters tonight is that we have seen the Zooperstars.

And they are a billion times creepier than you can imagine. With the help of Kevin Frietas-dot-net – our copilot and photographer – we will bring this to you.

A hint? Harry Canary and the Black Eyed Peas. Specifically, “My Humps”.

You have been warned.

Box

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Labels: Game Results, Memphis Redbirds, Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

This is not a giant rat. This is not a giant rat. This is not a giant rat. This is not a giant rat. This is not a giant rat. This is not a giant rat. This is not a giant rat. This is not a giant rat. This is not a giant rat. This is not a giant rat. This is not a giant rat

Okay, it's a giant rat.

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

Photo Courtesy of DaytonDragons.com

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

We have to be honest: we had chosen this particular mascot before even knowing what it was. The reason? This team name. The Orem Owlz are the Single-A affilate of the Los Angles Angels. That would be Angels, not Angelz. Can you perhapz tell why we dezpize this team zo damned much?

Orem Owlz baseball : It'z X-Treme!

What truly shocks us though, is that this horrid late-90's spelling is actually brand freakin' new! The team was the Provo Angels until December of 2004. Owlz....

Anyway, we decided on this team before ever seeing Hootz (of course!), and Sweet Baby Jesus is this thing creepy.

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

We have a confession to make: Baseball is not our only sport. We here at No Rhubarb! are borderline maniacal fans of several teams, from the Seahawks in football to the Sonics of the NBA – we would at least miss them anyway – to the Canucks of hockey, our fandom choices are fairly typical for our are and age range. When we lived away from the Pacific Northwest, we still proudly supported our teams, but nobody really commented when we would wear team paraphernalia.

There is one team though, that is always noticed, and almost as often mentioned. We are fans of Arsenal of the English Premier League. Football to 99.9% of the world, soccer to those around here. Probably because European football is a cult sport here in America, whenever we venture out sporting Arsenal's ultra-cool crest, somebody has to mention it. Japanese tourist guy at Pike Place Market? Thumbs up! Guy on the train, he's a Liverpool fan. Don't know his name, he's “Liverpool Guy”. Just today at the restaurant, guy sporting a Chelsea shirt. Is Lampard leaving the Blues?

So, just where are we going with all this? We were working on an Arsenal post, to complain about Thierry Henry leaving for Barcelona. We stumbled upon this brilliant YouTube collection (which should explain just why we Americans are so wrong about the beautiful game) and while marveling at M. Henry's goals we kept noticing something.


Just what the hell is that green thing? Oh Lord... Arsenal has a mascot? That can't be. This is a team with 120-plus years of history, a member of the G-14, a group of the most powerful professional franchises in the world, a team with fans across the world. This is the only team to finish undefeated in the history of the Premiership. This team has a freakin' mascot? A Goddamn dinosaur?

Presented without further comment: The Gunnersaurus Rex.


Photo Courtesy of Yahoo UK

Okay, one little comment further: We die inside just a little bit every time we see this.

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, The Beautiful Game, Things That Make Us Want to Die

The Zooperstars are in town on Sunday. Be afraid...

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

Augusta, Georgia is famous for the Masters and Jim Nantz at his most annoying. But Augusta is so much more than that. What else does this elegant old southern town sport?

GreenJackets baseball, what else? The South Atlantic League affiliate of the San Francisco Giants. The GreenJackets – named after the green sport coat awarded the Masters Champion – sport one of my favorite names in baseball. What to do with GreenJackets presents a problem, which the team takes care of pretty nicely with their yellowjacket with sportcoat look. The further deck out mascot Auggie with some lovely plaid golf pants. Giant scary eyes aside, I think is is one of the more tolerable mascots in baseball.

Photo Courtesy of Greenjacketsbaseball.com

Photo Courtesy of Greenjacketsbaseball.com

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

There are few things more fun than independent league baseball. Independent leagues –minor league teams not affiliated with major league organizations – are wilder and weirder than the minors. The ultimate indy success story is that of the St. Paul Saints. Partially owned by Bill Murray, run by the man who gave the world Disco Demolition Night, featuring a pig that delivered baseballs and a nun giving massages, the Saints early-nineties success spawned two pretty good books (Slouching Toward Fargo and Rebel Baseball) and dozens of imitators. Independent leagues appear (and disappear) almost every year.

As you might expect, the indy leagues are a haven for bad mascots. Take the Kansas City T-Bones for example. You might think that coming up with a mascot for team basically named after dinner would be difficult, but you'd be wrong. The T-Bones are represented by Sizzle the Bull. Naming the mascot after the noise his flesh makes while on the grill? A masterstroke. Never miss the opportunity to remind the children how horrible a mascot can be, and just knowing that dad wants to slap that big red belly on the grill does the trick.

Photo Courtesy of NLFan.com

Photo Courtesy of Kansas Speedway

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

On of our very favorite minor league teams in the Boston Red Sox California League affiliate, the Lancaster JetHawks. What is a JetHawk you might ask. It's a jet fighter with the head of a hawk.

Well, duh...

The JetHawks' mascot is KaBoom – and you damn well better spell it like that – a giant purple hawk wearing a Lancaster uniform and gigantic goggles. Here he leads his legions of the undead adorable little children.

Photo Courtesy of JetHawks.com

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die

Over at our other blog – one that we've been shamefully ignoring since starting up No Rhubarb! - our blogpartner, the misnamed Mediocre Fred, has revealed his deep, dark secret.

He is a Mascot American. Apparently, he appeared as the monstrosity known as “Uncle Slam” for the Class A Potomac Nationals in a recent parade. Uncle Slam, an oversize blue-skinned approximation of Uncle Sam (one that, judging by the bright red nose, sure likes to hit the sauce), is – like all mascots – an abomination before all. As it is written in the Baseball Testament, Book of DiMaggio, chapter 3, verse 7: And the mascot shall come unto you, inflated of feature and furred of complexion, and yea they shall not be of baseball, but of shameless hucksterism, and you shall stone them until the mascot head collapses in. And you shall be not afraid, for the Louisville Slugger of the Gods of Baseball is at thy command.

It is written that we must “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” and we shall do so for our blogpartner.

But if we ever see that creepy blue thing coming at us, we shall show no mercy.

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Labels: Tacoma Rainiers, Things That Make Us Want to Die